Hey, I have nothing against fat people. I was once fat. Some of the most wonderful people I've met were and are still fat. However, I do get pissed when freaking fat people get freaking delusional about their size. Like fat ass bitches who squeeze themselves on MRT or jeepney seats like they have a 26 inch waist instead of the more realistic measurement of 42 inches.

I mean, come on! Your ass can fit two and a half of my ass and that's saying a lot because I could give Jennifer Lopez a run for her heiney! And for fuck's sake, could you please stop wearing leggings? There should be a law passed about this. Once again, leggings are not appropriate nor are they proper bottoms. No amount of justification can ever make leggings proper bottoms. NEVER. Leggings should never ever be paired with baby doll shirts, hanging or short blouses. Not only does it look horrible, it also makes you look like a poster child on how proper morcon should look like. Giant langgonisa, anyone?

At heto eh nagmamagandang loob lang ako ha? Siguro, pag nawawalan ka na ng circulation sa wrists mo at contrasting na ang kulay ng kamay at braso mo, siguro kailangan mo nang ipa-adjust ang strap ng relo mo.

Speaking of accessories, may binabayan din ang mga toe rings. Sino ba kasi ang punyetang nakaisip na lagyan ng singsing ang mga toes? Magkaroon nga lang ng konting buhangin ang pagitan ng mga toes ko eh naiirita na ako, yun pa kayang toe ring? Isa pa, pag hugis wild luya ang paa mo, siguro naman di yan kayang pagandahin ng toe ring. Kahit (or is it lalo?) na kung ilang kilo ang ilagay mo sa mga toes mo, pramis. Ano yan? Ginagawa mo bang Mr. T ang mga toes mo?

And, to top it all off, naka braces ka pa! Utang na loob, there should be an age cap for people wearing braces! Okay, okay, I know some people really need it pero were you seriously expecting me to take you seriously when you're wearing neon purple rubber bands for your braces and you're 36 years old na and you're even attempting to deliver a presentation sa board of directors?! Kung di ka teenager or si Betty Suarez, puede bang tanggapin mo na lang na sungki ang ipin mo and live with it?

Sabi nga ni Alessandra de Rossi - umarte ayon sa ganda. In this case, umarte ayon sa Body Mass Index.

Reputation - n.

1. The general estimation in which a person is held by the public.

2. The state or situation of being held in high esteem.

3. A specific characteristic or trait ascribed to a person or thing: a reputation for courtesy.

 

Character - n.

1. The combination of qualities or features that distinguishes one person, group, or thing from another. 

2. A distinguishing feature or attribute, as of an individual, group, or category.

3. Genetics A structure, function, or attribute determined by a gene or group of genes.

4. Moral or ethical strength.

5. A description of a person's attributes, traits, or abilities.

 

***

I've always had a reputation. Actually, I have a lot. But truth be told, I never gave a flying fudge about them because reputations will always change and it's just that - an estimation of my image. People will always have a different opinion about me. Others will say I'm evil incarnate. Others will claim I'm an angel (debatable), a whore, a slut, a know it all, a self-absorbed egotistical megalomaniac and everything else in between.

You know what? I. DON'T. CARE. Say what you want about my reputation because I don't give a rat's ass about it. You want to know what I care about? I care about my character. My character is worth more than my reputation and I don't need anyone else to teach me or show me how to do that. My middle class education and family afforded that for me. My working class life has given that.

***

So, have a go at my reputation. Please. My character will always trump my reputation. Every. Single. Time.

I personally want to hear what you have to say. The media has painted this picture of you being so open and trusting. Can we hear about what you have to say about it and let your sister to shut up? She's making this all about her again, which is really annoying because she just is. Well, if you want to be totally technical about it - she has the depth of a puddle and the understanding of a gnat. She actually had the audacity to say that "It takes a lot of courage to face the victims ha?" Nobody asked you, Kris. If you got screamed at by one of the victim's family members, I'd say it was a natural reaction and that you should've just gone and apologized and expressed your sympathy and shut the hell up. But noooo.... you had to talk about it on TV, thus making it all about you again. If I roll my eyes any harder, it would make a sound.

P.Noy, come on. You actually have a communications group composed of several people. Why are they keeping mum? It's been one blunder after another. The botched rescue, death and now a humiliating scandal with the hostage taker's family and the Philippine flag. Anobeh?! I'm facepalming too much that it's starting to really hurt.

You said the people are your bosses. Well, time to give a report to the bosses because so far, they ain't happy with what you're doing. If we're really your bosses, then I've got half the mind to fire you.

One of the things I truly hate in this world are stupid obvious questions, na sa hindi malamang dahilan eh parang habit na ng mga Pinoy. Take my twins for example, every time I take them to the mall or somewhere where there's throngs of people they always ask me "Twins po ba sila?" I refuse to be nice now and respond as cheekily as possible. "Hindi po, sabay lang sila pinanganak. Nagkataong ding magkamukha."

Here are some of my favorite scenarios:

I'm rubbing my temples due to a dull headache, and a person comes up to me and asks "Sakit ba ng ulo mo?" I respond "Hindi, hita ko pero ayokong mag bend eh. I'm hoping magkakaroon ng echo effect ang pagmasahe ko sa ulo ko papuntang hita ko."

I'm so hungry that my stomach makes a sound. Person next to me giggles and says "Ay, siguro gutom ka ano?" I turn and respond in a deadpan face "Excuse me, I'm a musician. This is called stomach music, now leave me alone - I'm practicing"

The kids run up to me and collectively scream "Mommy". The woman beside me ask "Mga anak mo?" I hug my kids and turn to the woman and say "Hindi. Pinanganak ko lang sila tapos iniwan ko sila dito sa Mall. Binalikan ko after 4 years. Ang galing no?"

Someone drops a glass and it shatters. "Naku! Nabasag!" I stand up and feign surprise. "Naku! di nga? Weeh?! Saan! Yun ba? Oo nga! Basag nga!"

This post is dedicated to all the Captain Obviouses in the world.

Check out this blog. If you fail to laugh within the first three posts then something is seriously wrong with you.

Oh and here's an original FB fail:

There are a few things that would bring me from a cool and calm demeanor to totally freaking out in .06 seconds flat. Snakes would be one, especially if it's launched at me like a god damn fluff toy. Frogs would be another one. Another one would be incorrect word/phrase spacing.

Let's take for example the phrase "a lot". "A lot" would mean something that's more than the usual expected number; too numerous to count. "A lot" would mean an unquantifiable measurement of both tangible or intangible things - for example, "There are a lot of people in malls during the holidays" or "I like you a lot". "A lot" would mean something is plentiful, many or varied. Get the picture yet?

So, please, for the love of God and everything that's holy, can someone please explain what the hell does "alot" mean? I understand "allot" but "alot?"

Please don't expect me to understand you after this because you confuse me. Like, a lot.

You know the saying "the past will always come back to haunt you"? Well, I've had a recent "haunting" that I'd love to salt and burn - even while he's still alive...actually that's more preferable.

What the fuck was I thinking when I thought it was a good idea to date you then? I must have been really really drunk. Either that or I had serious self esteem issues to make me so desperate to date you, because I wouldn't even want to be in the same area code as you are today.

First off, your pathetic attempts at being mysterious is at the most pathetic and at the least, insulting. It's not cute and it's not sexy. It's vomit inducing.

Second, your misuse of pronouns is unforgivable. "These" would indicate that there are objects (plural) being referred to. "Remember these face???" is a meaningless fucking sentence. Unless you really are two faced but then again, that's just a euphemism of what you really are. And what the hell is your fascination with multiple question marks? We've already implied that it's a question! Using multiple question marks is just abusive! Oh and it's DID plus the BASE FORM of the verb.

Haven't you heard about this concept called...I don't know...I think it's called AN APOLOGY! It's appalling how you assume everything is fine and dandy after all these years between us. Dude, you cheated on me and you used me for money.

Yes, I am furious with you - and if you had to ask, your level of stupidity makes me want to make sure you never procreate. You have no right to ask about my family, most especially my mother, after what you've done to me. Now, there are only two reasons why you would contact me from out of the blue. We've already eliminated the first one so I'm going to suppose that you want something else. Honestly, if you weren't going to give me an apology, I don't want anything else to do with you.

So, I end this rant by using the immortal words of Dean Winchester: "Cram it with walnuts, ugly!"

You're a ghost
in the middle of
everything I do.
Lost in my field
of vision but found
in every movement I make.
And I find myself
falling for you
twice as fast
and twice as hard
and I know
you can
never see me
as anything
more than
how you do
right now.

I've realized that we tend to apologize for a lot of things that don't really merit an apology. We take it upon ourselves to apologize because we feel like it's the polite thing to do when we really don't mean to say sorry. I've also come to realize that I will never apologize for certain things that have happened in my life, things that I have done, and things that I believe in.

1. I will never apologize for my past - Why should I? These things happened to me and not to you, asshole. Why should I say sorry to you for something that I've experienced? My past is my own and it has made me who I am today.

2. I will never apologize for eating like a starving man - So, I'm not one of those "Dainty ladies" you've met who poke their food around and pretend to be full when they're really Jonesing for a freaking cheeseburger. I eat. A lot. (Maybe a lot more than what I really should consume) I like eating.

3. I will never apologize for my fashion - Call me a freaking weirdo for the clothes I wear. You just don't have the guts to wear them. (Or maybe you do...but then that's pudginess 'round the midsection and not guts). I wear what I wear because it makes me feel good about myself. I don't make you wear it, so stuff it up where the sun don't shine, Pokey.

4. I will never apologize for something I've done intentionally - You may not accept the action or the reason behind the action. I will not explain myself to you. I've done it and I have my reasons for it. I've made my peace with it and so screw you for judging me for it.

5. I will never apologize for my "crazy" family - These are the people who stuck by me and loved me unconditionally. Between you and them, there's really no contest there. Blood will always weigh more than anything.

So, here's a thought: Before you demand for an apology from me, think hard about what you want me to apologize for.

You know what? I give up. I quit, I raise my hands in the air and I just freaking quit.

So you want the devil, right? Congratulations, you have her.

Strap yourselves in people, I'm raising a little hell and I'm taking some souls with me.

It's shocking that she could blurt it out like that - like it's as common as going to the crapper or as uncomplicated as eating a freaking happy mean. It happened to me 17 years ago and it's still hard for me to even think about it, more so speak of it. She spoke of it in such a casual tone - like there's no hurt, no pain, no anger, no regret and no desire for revenge.

I'm angry at her. I'm angry at her for being so casual about it. I'm angry at her for not feeling what I'm feeling. I feel betrayed. Shouldn't I feel happy that she's handling this in a way that is ideal and quite frankly, perverse? It's not her fault that she doesn't know what happened to me. It's not her fault that I refuse to talk about it, but still, I feel some sort of betrayal over it. It's like she blabbed the secret password to our secret club.

I can't look at her the same way again. I can't feel her sincerity. I feel like I've been fucking had. The worst part is, I've been conned by a fucking amateur. I just can't understand how she can just say those words like they don't sting. Her nonchalant air disturbs me. It's either she's the most well adjusted person on earth or she's lying about it.

I can still feel the shame, the disgust and the anger. I can still feel his hands on me. I can hear him grunting as he pushed into me. I can still feel his breath on my neck. I scrubbed myself raw after that. I rubbed and scrubbed until I had scratches and deep red marks all over my body. I can still remember his words about how I can't tell anyone because I'm just a slut, a whore and nobody will believe me anyway.

And I believed him. I believed that fucker. I believed that statement to be truth for the next ten years. I let him control my consciousness. There were so many attempts at self inflicted death. There were so many men in between. I hate what he did to me. I hate what I did to myself.

So, for her to speak of it as if it were a freaking punchline angers me. She has made the experience and the pain so fucking insignificant.

I'm not a whore. It's not my fault. I know that now, but that doesn't mean I'd like to talk about it or casually mention it over a crude humorous conversation. I don't care what she says, she's not part of the club.

This? This is a nice picture. It's tastefully done and it's artistic. It's something I'm proud of and it's hot! So, when you post a comment on FB with a laugh attached to it, pertaining to the photograph, it irks me. It insults me and it annoys me. (Lolo, you're off the hook. We're good. Unfortunately, there are more troglodytes existing in the free world)

I've lived my entire life putting myself down on the looks department. I've been raised to think that I resemble a red hairy fruit rather than a human being. I've lived most of my life being compared to my cousins who were gifted with beautiful porcelain skin (as opposed to my dusky complexion, which, by the way, I do love now) or my friends who looked like hot celebrities.

I dealt with it. I even made it work to my advantage - I became a self deprecating comedian. And for a while, it worked. Make a joke about my skin tone and my looks, get a couple of ha-ha and get paid for it. But, truth of the matter was, I wanted to be told that I wasn't ugly. I wanted someone to look at me with all sincerity (and not because he/she felt pity or obligation) and say "You're beautiful" and for me to actually believe it. (Trust me, it's hard. I'm cynical and I have major trust issues)

Then, recently, I realized that if I kept waiting for someone to do that to me then I'll never hear it at all. I had to look at myself in the mirror and appreciate what I have and learn how to love the skin I'm in. I had to believe that I'm beautiful, in my own right, through my own eyes.

And I did.

Now, since I'm my own self protector against Neanderthal displays of idiocy, I say this: "You want to try that comment again? This time, let's drop the whole negging thing or the juvenile display of misdirected bullying just to get the girl's attention because it's getting old, really fast. It's annoying and it makes you look like a degenerate, insecure, emasculated dick."

***

Why do men do that anyway? The whole negging thing? (Negging - verb. Mostly done by men to women who intimidate them. They put down the women, verbally abusing them and their positive qualities so they can have a rat's ass chance in hell to sleep with the woman) Did you seriously think that women - smart, beautiful, gorgeous women with a wicked sense of humor and a smashing personality - would sleep with you after you neg them? You see, in my world, that is a clear invitation of having your pansy ass handed to you on a platter.

Here's a thought: LISTEN TO WHAT YOUR MOMMA TAUGHT YOU!

Ever hear about this thing called "a compliment"? Try that. Or, try treating the girl right. Open doors, pull chairs, stay on the dangerous side when crossing the street, OFFER TO PAY, INSIST ON PAYING, take the girl home - all that stuff that most men today have forgotten.

Women, no matter how smart, successful, scary intelligent we are, crave for the basics. Treat us right and we don't have to go marching down the streets protesting or plotting in dark corners on the best way to cut your dick off.

***

So, want to try that again?

I used to like Facebook. I liked the way it's spread out, the applications and the fact that it is a social network that connects you to other people you haven't seen for such a long time.

Now, it's fucking annoying me. It has become trite, shallow and as annoying as a valley girl talking about Leonardo DiCaprio.

Let me level the expectations here: If, after reading this post, you feel that you have to defend yourself and that you're slightly offended by what I've written, it only means that you're part of the annoying crowd I'm writing about. You only have three choices - Suck it up, Admit to it or Bring it on. However, if you laugh and agree, then there's hope for you yet - you still have a fucking life.

That said, let's begin.

***

First off, how many quizzes do you need to understand yourself? Do you seriously need to take 4 million quizzes just to know what kind of Filipino you are? Dude, that's just...pathetic. You don't need a virtual quiz to judge and label you into a category on your race. You should know what kind you are! Then there's the "What kind of bag are you?", "How good are you in bed?", "Are you a true LaSallian/Scholastican/Atenean/Matutean?" and the "What kind of (insert noun here) are you?" It's sad. So sad. You do realize what this means, right? It means you have no life whatsoever and you need to be validated by an virtual quiz. IT'S A VIRTUAL QUIZ! IT SHOULD NOT DEFINE YOU! Posting the results is the cherry on top of the pathetic sundae.

Okay, okay. I hear you saying "But Ian, it's fun! How dare you judge my choice of amusement and entertainment!" Yes, it's fun. Solitaire and Minesweeper is fun too. Watching movies with friends is fun. Watching grass grow can be defined as fun for some people. Understanding that there's life outside of facebook is essential. I'm not judging your choice (albeit poor) for amusement and entertainment. All I'm saying is, if you're Easter Egg hunting on Facebook and not in real life, we gotta talk about an intervention.

The games I get and even encourage. The vampires, YoVille rew and even the farm is pretty cute. Plus, it gives you the option of choosing whether you'd like to be part of it or not. I like that - options.

It's a social networking website, people. It means you SOCIALIZE. You CONNECT and RECONNECT. You don't barrage people with idiotic quiz results of how long your orgasm lasts. Too much freaking information.

With that said, I have now chosen to delete you from my news feed. Trust me, it's for our own good. I need a break from your insanity and you need a break from my sarcasm and cynicism.

Brew, this one is for you.

***

I've never been one to deny my heritage. I'm proud to say that I'm a mix of different races and I'm even quick to point out my lineage - though it may not be a smart thing to do so, seeing that my ancestor is the Chinese pirate Limahong. However, I've never been more embarrassed to admit my Chinese heritage until now.

Chip Tsao passes himself off as a writer for a magazine. On odd days, he passes himself off as a human being. On bank holidays, he passes himself off as a degenerate.

The cruel truth is that we do have a majority of our countrymen working as domestics all over the world. It's a known fact as well that a lot of our women work as nannies, maids, secretaries and even as prostitutes. I'm not going to fucking deny that. I respect these people. They work and they work hard. (Pun intended for the prostitutes) What irks me though is that this Chinese noodle had to freaking generalize Filipinos.

Oh yes, Mr. Tsao. Lea Salonga is a maid, a slave to Broadway and Disney. Arnel Pineda is a servant to Journey and rock music. Fernando Amorsolo, Leandro Locsin, Ishmael Bernal, Lino Brocka, The Jabbawockeez, Monique Lhuillier, Nick Joaquin, Jessica Hagedorn, Carlos Romulo, Lydia de Vega, Joey Ayala, Paeng Nepomuceno and the list goes on - they're servants. Nice perspective there asshole. Then again, I can't blame you as your eyes don't really go wide, do they?

***

And you want us to believe that you were using the word "servant" in a respectable manner? Wow. You ARE a bigger bigot than what we perceived you to be. You're more than a bigot, you're a dick. You can't be a big dick though, because you're Chinese. (Ooh...what was that? Was that a taste of your own fucking medicine?)

You apology is not needed as you are no longer beneath our contempt. What we'd rather have is your freaking head on a silver platter. Your magazine publisher's apology is as pathetic. You should be fired and quick.

Now, let's try this again, and this time, make sure we'd believe you.

Do not insult my intelligence. For fuck's sake, you're trying to assume that we're on the same level. We're not, in any way, shape or form. The only similarity we have is that you (unfortunately) also belong to the human race. Although, even that is still debatable.

Don't pull out the fucking pity card. You actually want me to pity you? Do you even deserve it? You should be happy that I've given you this much tolerance and attention. You don't deserve anything from me except my unabashed fury and unquenchable thirst for revenge.

Do not patronize me by actually pointing out your fake generosity. In the first place, it was not yours to give. Your delusions are only realistic in your head - not in mine or anybody else's.

Do not be a simpering coward whore. You started this, you wanted me out of my fucking shell and when I finally call your fucking bluff, you won't come out to play. I'm ready bitch, the question is, are you ready to face the sleeping dragon you woke up?

I will hunt you down. I will make sure I torture you in every fucking aspect - present "delicate" situation none withstanding. You should've done your homework before you did this stupid ass move. Between him and me, you should've thought about how I would retaliate because sweetheart, I have lived without morals and a conscience for as long as I can remember. Now, you've given me reason to turn my murderous thoughts into reality. It's amazing what a lot of money and time can turn up.

One week... The clock is ticking. I hope you're ready because if you wave that white flag without letting me start, I'll be very disappointed. Trust me, you'd rather that I'm furious than disappointed - because when I've been disappointed, I do everything in my power to rectify the situation.

And for fuck's sake woman, LEARN HOW TO FUCKING SPELL!!

Stupid cunt fucking degenerate whore.