A new breed of Filipino American comedians are taking the industry by storm. One guy I'd like to see more of (and probably here in the islands) is Edwin San Juan:

I love it! Filipinos are taking over the world, one skittles at a time.

Tina Fey had her speech so I want mine too.

***

Thank you to my loyal readers in the Philippines, US, Canada, UK, Australia and Martinique. You know, it would help my ego a lot if you send me a comment or two. The fact that you read this blog more than once a day is overwhelmingly appreciated.

My other readers from Asia, India and Europe - thank you for reading and even though you have probably just breezed through here, I still appreciate the traffic.

To my haters, thank you for giving me a reason to write more. You actually freaking inspire me.

***

Bench, I just want to say thank you for believing. Tara, let's freaking do this!!!

I'm quite exhausted, but it's a good kind of exhaustion.

Spent the entire day fixing the layout of my new magazine. I've gotten the vote and approval of one of my partners and all I need to do is charm the other partners.

I'm so excited! Like squeal in a pitch that only dogs can hear excited.

If all goes according to schedule, we're launching the magazine by March.

(squee!) I'll keep you posted.

Apparently, you do get what you want.

I've been giving out the impression that I'm badass (I am) and that I'm heartless and cruel (on occasion). I also give out the impression that I'm a bitch (true, mostly) and that I've done some skeevy things in my life (partially true). But I think I went a little overboard, that or they went and embellished certain capabilities I have.

Looking at it like a psych/social experiment: this is called perception management. People will see you the way you project yourself. However, the power of insinuation is just as potent. Let's take Draco Malfoy as an example - he never said he was practicing the dark arts and we all know that he never really did. All he had to do was place a few bricks here and there and everyone immediately built a house around it.

Here's the kick in the jewels though: Since I have so generously thrown those bricks around, some of them have actually come up to me to ask for "assistance". One in particular asked me if I can hack into a password secured document. Oookkaaayyy... If one has asked me about my capability to do such a thing then the answer is in the affirmative. If one asks me if I will do it, the answer is the negatory. It is quite unethical and I will not let myself be dragged into crap like that without some personal gain. If the personal gain is on someone else's person - I say enjoy being fucked in the ass.

I guess you have to deal with some stray bricks in the backyard if you want a freaking cottage.

For those who think I'm pretty much apathetic about the world, there are some concerns I do have and I fight for. One, I do understand the whole population explosion and how it affects children. I know, I'm not one to speak since I have five kids, but hubby and i make sure that every child is cared for and would not go hungry, cold, unsheltered or unclothed.

This Reproductive Health Bill is getting so much controversy here in the Philippines. The Catholic Church seems to adamant about it because, according to the clergy, it would mean moot because there are other ways of preventing unwanted pregnancy. Yeah...uh-huh...

What they really mean is, they don't want teenagers getting the license to hump around like dogs in heat, because that really is a sin. If sex was a sin, why did God make it feel so good?

***

Seriously though, the church can go on and state how wrong this bill is but they aren't doing anything to help out those families who just keep on spawning. They won't stop just because these priests tell them that God is unhappy with their nightly procreational activities. They'll nod their heads, say yes, go to confession and then as soon as the lights are off, fuck each other until their knees give way. It's stupid, really. Then when Mrs. Humpsalot goes to church pregnant the next month, you give them some crap about how children are blessings from God and prepare them for the kids' baptism.

Don't get me started on how the church teaches the women to be subservient to their husbands because that's what the bible says. Most of these women continue spewing kids forth because they practically have no choice. The men makes the decisions and the men just can't seem to keep it in their pants for more than a day!

***

We seem to forget that kids nowadays are too smart for their own good. My 5 year old daughter just called me dysfunctional and intellectually challenged. She's freaking 5. I learned about the definition of that word (and how to be Politically Correct) when I was in high school. She, along with her classmates, can go online and program the DVD player. I'm pretty sure she can handle a little thing called Sex Education.

Besides, my mother taught me early on. That's why I never got pregnant until I was 27, when I really wanted to and when I was really ready to.

***

You can't protect your children by saying something doesn't exist. You can't protect them from child molesters by saying these fuckers don't exist. You tell them who and what the fuck these kiddie fiddlers are and you teach them to recognize the signs and stay away from them. You teach them how to scream for help when they think they're being abducted. You tell them to stay away from strangers who offer them weird candy. You tell them to bite, kick, punch and scream their little lungs off if a bad person makes them feel uncomfortable. But you never, NEVER tell them that these people don't exist because that's like gift wrapping them for these fuckers.

In the same way, you can't tell them that they can't catch AIDS because they're good kids. They can catch AIDS if they have unprotected sex. You can't stop your kids from having sex - they're teenagers!!! They'll hump a lamp post with all the hormones surging through their bodies. I mean, you can't be there with them all the time, so the best thing you can do as a parent is to protect them. Let them know that they can't have STDs if they have protected sex. Protect them, educate them but don't tell them these things don't exist because you're doing them and yourself the greatest injustice.

***

Gah... I hate how religion is so powerful in this country. They shouldn't even meddle in the affairs of the state.

You know what we need? We need a bill that says we can raise our kids however the fuck we want. We need a bill that says "As long as you're not killing, abusing or beating your kids up physically, emotionally and psychologically, you can do whatever the fuck you want."

Or, we need a bill that says "If you can't afford to have more than two kids, DON'T!"

I need an Advil...

There is this circulating thing going on that I may have answers to very weird questions or at least inappropriate ones.

So, one girl had managed to gather the courage to ask me this: "How do you know if you can do muscle control?"

Di ko alam kung matutuwa ako o maiinis kasi parang lahat ng kabastusan eh ako ba ang sasagot? Anyway, pinatulan ko na rin.

"You can practice by doing Kegel exercises. When you're peeing, try to stop it right smack int he middle of the deed. You can also try a banana."

"Saging? Babalatan ko?"

"Wag mong balatan gaga. Pag binalatan mo yun, pag naputol yun paano mo dudukitin aber?"

"So, may balat ito?"

"Oo. Ipasok mo ang saging tapos subukan mng ipitin. After nun, tsaka mo balatan and check kung may bruising.Kapag meron, ibig sabihin nun, effective ka na."

"Anong klaseng saging ang gagamitin ko?" Is this girl serious?

"Malamang wag naman saba dahil sa buong tanang buhay ko wala pa akong nakikitang nota na may kanto. Wag din senyorita - unless sanay ka sa ganung laki. Mga latundan naman o kaya lakatan. Teka, bakit ba kita pinapatulan???"

Sabay walk out.

zI was very productive this weekend. I managed to do a lot of jewelry for the August deadline, I spent time with my hubby (quality time), I've managed to squeeze in a lot of quality time with the kids, I had my nails done and I had my hair cut.


My hair is now in this state. I got sick and tired of having to blow dry it, maintain it and make sure it doesn't have a mind of its own (never mind its own zip code) so I hacked it all off. Truth be told, I feel younger, fresher and sexier in this hair.

One thing I noticed though, this hair came with an attitude. I felt more free and more brash. I know it's just the hair thing but it does make me feel so much better about myself - like I can fucking conquer the world and kill all the evil fuckers just by looking at them.

Although, I did buy a wig with a relatively longer cut than my previous hair - just in case I need to sober up with my newfound attitude - snicker, snicker.

I will post my new look soon - I promise.


***


I am currently looking/lusting over a little white dress. I've managed to lose a good amount of weight in the right places and this kind of dress is going to look good on me now. Of course I will have to die first before anyone can make me wear gladiator shoes (which I really don't get at all, just like I don't get shoulder pads and padded panties) but I know I can pull this off.

Any idea where I can get one relatively cheap?

I feel quite vindicated with this article.
I remember when I was teased as a nerd in school just because I love books and I spoke with an uncanny Californese accent. It was lonely but in retrospect, thank the heavens I indulged in books and my mother even encouraged it. I actually have a brain that I can use for other pleasurable things other than just involuntary muscle movement.

Nerds have gone up in the grand scheme of life. We're leading the pack now because you need some intelligence to actually lead. LONG LIVE THE NERDS!!

People are starting to wear red shoes!! That's right! Men, women, children, young, old, rich or poor. Once the masses realize that I am the devil in red shoes, they will bow down to my every command!!

MWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! (thunderclaps, lightning and overall feeling of inevitable doom)