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Dancing at the edge of sanity
My mother was taken to the ER last Friday. I had to take care of a few things at work before I had the opportunity to leave and be with her. The initial diagnosis was appendicitis but the blood results and the CT scan didn't show anything different with the appendix, so they checked the gallstones and the colon and the spleen.
As of writing, she's still in the hospital and the doctors don't have anything conclusive to say. She's better than when she came in, but she's still in pain.
***
It troubles me that I find her bedridden with a bunch of tubes coming out of her right hand. I mean, it is troubling enough that she is celebrating her birthday in a sterile environment but add to that the fact that she has never been hospitalized for anything, ever.
I couldn't handle something like that. It felt like a preview of what could be coming in about 5, 10, 15, 40 years from now. I don't think I can handle something like that. My mother has been my rock - without her, I'd be totally lost.
***
I didn't want anyone's pity. I was a stonewall. I went to work, went about my business, never let anyone in on what was really brimming within me.
When one of the bosses, who is the sweetest woman ever and pregnant at that went up to me and held me without saying anything, I broke down. It suddenly occurred to me that I may have to learn how to live without those kinds of hugs and comfort. I cried as if I had lost her. Truth be told, I cried because I now realized that I could lose her.
***
Children often think their parents are superheroes. They place them on the highest pedestal and believe that they could do no wrong. That's why when parents disappoint their children, the results are devastating - it's irreparable.
***
And so, here I am, dancing at the edge of sanity. Trying to juggle work, the house, the kids, the hubby, my class and my mother.
It's so tempting to just jump off the cliff....
As of writing, she's still in the hospital and the doctors don't have anything conclusive to say. She's better than when she came in, but she's still in pain.
***
It troubles me that I find her bedridden with a bunch of tubes coming out of her right hand. I mean, it is troubling enough that she is celebrating her birthday in a sterile environment but add to that the fact that she has never been hospitalized for anything, ever.
I couldn't handle something like that. It felt like a preview of what could be coming in about 5, 10, 15, 40 years from now. I don't think I can handle something like that. My mother has been my rock - without her, I'd be totally lost.
***
I didn't want anyone's pity. I was a stonewall. I went to work, went about my business, never let anyone in on what was really brimming within me.
When one of the bosses, who is the sweetest woman ever and pregnant at that went up to me and held me without saying anything, I broke down. It suddenly occurred to me that I may have to learn how to live without those kinds of hugs and comfort. I cried as if I had lost her. Truth be told, I cried because I now realized that I could lose her.
***
Children often think their parents are superheroes. They place them on the highest pedestal and believe that they could do no wrong. That's why when parents disappoint their children, the results are devastating - it's irreparable.
***
And so, here I am, dancing at the edge of sanity. Trying to juggle work, the house, the kids, the hubby, my class and my mother.
It's so tempting to just jump off the cliff....
